Love

In the past, love in my experience has been an objective sufferance, in which I ended up being used and realizing it too late. I always ended these relationships, and ended up being damaged furthermore. for instance, in my previous relationship, my ex pressured me to be an emo, but I dressed however I liked. He was also taking it too far, too fast. When I broke up with him, he posted things online about me making him cut himself (which he didn't). I ended up in hospital, after getting drunk after seeing these endless posts, and then cutting myself.

After that, I never wanted to 'love' or get amorously involved with anyone. I was actually afraid of this emotion named 'love'. In the past, when looking through my diaries, I found myself leafing through endless pages of my previous, even more dysphoric self, vividly describing how I had fallen in love with three main people, and then hurting myself out of frustration and depression.

When my mother saw the recent cut, she had a breakdown, and I was about to commit suicide. Except, I had taken my medication half an hour before, and I was exhausted. I just wanted to sleep and ignore this situation completely. It was so frustrating. I was taken to hospital to get stitches, and I was absolutely mortified, as I watched the operation take place. It was then that I swore never to get involved in a relationship that would end up hurting me.

However, a few days ago, I broke my vow.

I began falling for X, whom I met online. I am aware of the dangers of strangers online, but I know him to genuinely exist. We started chatting, and I realized a few days ago that I was developing feelings for him, and I was utterly shocked at myself. Firstly, I had made that vow, which I had managed to break within several messages. Secondly, I thought him to be such an incredible person, that he could do much better than me.

Well, today, my trepidation was diminished when he declared that he had 'feelings' for me too. Upon reading this, I cried. I wept tears of sheer euphoria, never had I felt so alive. Despite the fact that a torrential rain storm was faring outside, beating upon the frail window panes, and a bolt of lightning had blown up the stabilizer, ridding the house of all electricity, light was practically emanating from my heart.

In my dictionary, love is not a roller coaster. It is a steady, gradual feeling that is reciprocated by your other. It is a force stronger than all the element on earth combined into a single entity.

I do not believe in gooey love, and I do not love him, but what I feel for him is far more than a mere 'crush'. Perhaps not as powerful as love, but as the days, and these feelings, carry on, who knows how this will develop?

All know is that I hope for this to go well, and even if it does not, I always hope that we will remain good friends.

<3